I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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