A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
