I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
