Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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