i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
