I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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