It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
