i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
