i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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