I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
