1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
