I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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