Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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