the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
