Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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