i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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