Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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