well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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