remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
