i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
