if i can run in heels then i can drive
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
