I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
