The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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