I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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