I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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