Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
