Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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