dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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