I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
