omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
