you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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