Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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