I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
