Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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