Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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