who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Houston, we have a blender
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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