before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
