At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i used baking grease as lip gloss
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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