I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
no more duck duck goose at the bar
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
