Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
