I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize