My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
