she smelled like a LAN party
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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