Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
