The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
