I think my vagina is haunted
Dignity is for republicans.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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