I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
