When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
