Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this just has baby written all over it
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
