If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
