yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize