Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
