If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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