the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize