Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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