you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
