Where is the hickey?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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