saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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