Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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