I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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