She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
