I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
