Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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