so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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