I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
