pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
