Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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