all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
