Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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