he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Send help, water and tortillas.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize