when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
