I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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